New Year, schmew year. Whatever.

Aside from actually taking my mother’s phone calls from time to time, I can’t seem to think of any resolutions for myself.

LONDON, UK: New Year, schmew year. Whatever. On day 4 of 2015 I thought I would take a few moments to post my 2 cents concerning the New Year and resolutions, and the holiday period in general.

New Year, it’s like any other time of year: a new month, a new day and so on and so on. If I have anything to celebrate it’s that December is over. If January is a month for new beginnings, let’s start by putting an end to December – forever. The month you are forced to spend money you wouldn’t normally. A few reasons to hate December which spring to mind are, Secret Santa, work holiday parties and lunches, and SantaCon. Before you think I am a complete Scrooge on a seasonal rant I’ll go into more detail.

Secret Santa, where you buy a present for someone you probably wouldn’t give a dime to if they were on the street, take it wrapped to a party and then draw numbers to determine the order of picking the present under the tree and unwrapping it for everyone to see. The next person up can either choose another present from under the tree or steal what someone else has. I admit that competing is fun, and I like the strategic stealing a present off of someone else, but in the end you wind up with a gift that is just as ridiculous and useless as the one you bought. You might as well indulge yourself in that overpriced hot chocolate and book voucher you spent so much time going to the store and fighting the crowds to purchase. Last year I got a pair of slippers to add to my collection of 15 other slippers. (You must admit, we all have a little Imelda Marcos in us.) This year’s present was a pair of socks, a bed warmer shaped like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and a bell that says “Ring for Sex”. I mean honestly, if only it were as easy as ringing a bell I’ld be covered: warm feet to match the warm bed.

What about the forced work holiday lunches and dinners you have to sit through and have conversations with people you wouldn’t share a blue plate special with? I was asked to spend about 75 GPS in holiday parties at the office this year. There were three of them: the overall work party, which was free and complete with entertainment, bad food, bad booze and soulless atmosphere. Then there was the department party. That would required a fee of 35 GBPs for a self-funded party. Given that my co-workers and I never go anywhere together any other time of year to bond, and in the office they make my role more difficult than it should be, these parties are never more than a waste of a perfectly good evening staying in with my own generous pour of Scotch. The other 40 GBS was for a team lunch, which should be optional but everyone more or less guilt you into attending, seemingly having no consideration for the fact that you might not have the spare cash to put down on an expensive lunch.

And then there is the all-time favorite: a night out at your local bar becomes an evening of wading through a crowd of overly intoxicated newbies you would rather see hit by a Christmas float than shouting and singing carols in your face (SantaCon). You cannot escape this crowd of slutty-dressed female Santas and drunken obnoxious male Santas – oh the humanity! Where is is?!

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Herald Square, New York, NY SantaCon reveler.

There are so many reasons to award December with the most hated month of the year trophy, so on to January and the silly concept of “resolutions.” It may be an unconventional opinion to have to defend, but I haven’t seen too many New Year resolutions posted (and reposted) on social media worth coveting. I mean, we are all fat, over stressed individuals who want to exercise more, travel more, see more of our family and friends and learn a new language. Why should it be a realization on New Year when it seems we say the same thing throughout the entire year and do nothing about it?

It seems we are only setting ourselves up for failure. Aside from actually taking my mother’s phone calls from time to time, I can’t seem to think of any myself. One fun thing I like to do with New Year’s is come up with a slogan, which is corny and typically meaningless, but it is something of a tradition between me and my voice coach. So for 2015 I came up with 2015, the year to be seen.

There, got that out of my system, I can go forward and get on with things.

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